Mrs. Coffee

My mother does not order coffee when we go out to eat somewhere, even though she desperately wants coffee. She likes to make it herself, or go without it. But she'll complain the whole time about not having coffee to drink. "Damnit! I wish I had my coffee," she'll say on a loop. We'll ignore it the first seven hundred times, but then we'll finally say, "Ma, just order a cup of coffee here. What's the big deal?"

"Nah, nah, nah," she'll say. "I am not going to order coffee here. They use water from the bathroom to make coffee here. You want me to drink water from the bathroom?"

We haven't the slightest idea as to where she got this idea, or which water (Toilet water? Sink water? Mop in that yellow-strainer-on-wheels-thing-up-against-the-bathroom-wall water?) she means when she is referring to "water from the bathroom", but this is always her response to any suggestion of having coffee "out". That is, until she adds an even more specific description to the how they make it.

"Ma, you want something from Starbucks? I'm going to Starbucks. You want a coffee or something?"

"Why would I want coffee from Starbucks? So I can pay five dollars for a cup of coffee that they make with their dirty feet...with water from the bathroom? Nah, nah, nah...I'll make it myself."

So, in summation, my mother will not drink coffee she hasn't made herself because, frankly, she wants neither your bathroom water nor your dirty feet in it.

And you thought you were pulling one over on her.

Nah, nah, nah, you haven't fooled her.