Zzzzzz...

When I was a teenager, I could sleep like a champion. I should have been given a trophy, I was so adept. Even in my early twenties, sleeping was not a chore by any means. I had no trouble falling asleep and even less trouble staying asleep. Nowadays, however, I'm lucky if I can get three hours a night. It takes me forever to fall asleep, and when I do drift off, finally, I tend to wake up every 40 minutes or so. Anything will wake me. The slightest sound is like a tornado ripping the roof off my house, wind-whipping me out of bed and into a stone-cold-red-alert state that is nearly impossible to wind down from.

When it comes to sleeping, my intentions are as good as they come. I earmark plenty of hours of sleep time for myself and look forward to getting some rest. I get myself mentally prepared, picturing myself being in bed snoozing long before I'm even in my bedroom. While I'm getting ready for bed, I'm lulling myself to sleep with the mere idea of being asleep. Yawn. I love my bed. Yawn. I am going to feel so cozy and snug once I am in my bed. Yawn. I am going to go to sleep now...cozy and snug in my bed that I love. Sweet dreams for me. Goodnight, Moon.

I have turned off the ringers on my phones. I have set my alarm for the next morning. I have gotten all settled and set, turned the light off and...nothing. Sleep does not come. I wait it out for a spell. Nothing. I turn the light back on. I read a book or a magazine. I get fantastically sleepy. I turn the light off again and...nothing. I grab my headphones and listen to some tunes. I yawn. My body aches. I am desperately tired but...nothing. I turn the light back on and I write some notes, maybe an idea for a song, or a poem, or a short story. Maybe a to-do list for the next day, or an idea for a class project or essay topic that I just had as I stirred, here in my well-intended, but not-quite-realized slumber that is so not a party, it isn't even funny.

I'm just here. Tossing and turning. Pillows and sheets and comforter are strewn about. They are the debris of a sleepless night of the not-so-interesting kind. I am waiting. Thinking. What did I wear last Thursday? How many cups are in a gallon? I wonder if the new Batman movie really is cursed. I like Morgan Freeman. Is my nose losing weight? My nose feels so bony. I wonder if I could break my own nose with just my thumb and my index finger. I look at the clock again and again. The hours are ticking by and I am still awake. I am not sleeping. In my head I am writing what will become my latest blog entry.

I remember watching a CNN special report a while back about how America's lack of sleep was becoming America's number one health problem. At the time I had little to no sympathy for the sleepless. What's the big deal? Just go to sleep, people. Well, it's at least ten years later, and now I know what all the quacking was about. Suddenly, I can't sleep either. Overall, I suspect it's gotten much worse, statistic-wise. How many of us can't fall asleep and stay asleep once we fall?

Given all the sleep aid commercials I see on any given night, I'd imagine that at least half of us can't accomplish what seems like the simplest, most natural task, despite our best efforts. Hence, why else would the pharmaceutical companies be so diligently trying to cash in? The demand is great and the problem is real. Studies show that people who sleep fewer than 6 hours a night don't live as long as those who get seven or more hours.

Plus, sleeplessness leads to carelessness and accidents. Drowsy driving is equivalent to drunk driving. According to the National Highway Transportation Board, drowsiness and fatigue behind the wheel account for more than 1,500 deaths each year. Sleepiness is also to blame for mistakes and disasters on the job. The Exxon Valdez oil spill, the Challenger explosion, and the Chernobyl and Three Mile Island nuclear meltdowns were all caused by folks suffering from sleep deprivation. So, yes, it is both a health problem and a safety issue. I just don't think pills are the answer.

For the past few years different doctors have tried to prescribe sleep medication to me, but I have always refused. I've heard enough horror stories about people who drive to work in their pajamas at three in the morning because their sleep aids don't shut down the act-out-my-dreams part of their brains. I've also heard about the sleep "hangover" where the sleep lingers all day long. Who wants to experience that? Before you know it, you've become a bloated, sequined Elvis, popping a pill to fall asleep, and then a pill to wake up until you've died on the toilet. Can you believe that they even go so far as to prescribe this stuff to children?

By the way, the Lunesta commercials confuse me. Butterflies at night? Do butterflies fly at night? I know they like to hang out and rest when it's overcast, but does that suddenly make them the owls of the insect world? Whoo whoo came up with this? And that sixth-grade-roller-rink-green-glow-stick effect...what's up with that? If you're an insomniac butterfly and you are interested in taking Lunesta, side effects may include glowing in the dark and fluttering around at night over the heads of actors who are pretending to be sleeping soundly with smiles on their faces for the sake of selling this drug to the masses who will take it because they are too tired to pay attention to the side-effects.

There's also Ambien. Isn't that the name of that trippy, out-there-in the-atmosphere music? No wait. That's Ambient. Yeah, not that different when you think about it, given the side-effects.

Some Ambien side-effects:

(AssociatedContent.com)

- Daytime Drowsiness, Dizziness, Weakness, feeling "Drugged" or Light-Headed- Lack of Coordination- Amnesia, Ability to Forget Certain Things- Vivid or Abnormal Dreams- Diarrhea, Nausea, Vomiting- Headache, Muscle Pain- Blurred Vision- Hives; Difficulty breathing; Swelling of the face, lips, tongue, or throat

Irony alert! Irony alert!

- Experiencing Less Sleep

Wait! It gets better!

- Depression, Suicidal Thoughts- Unusual Risk-Taking Behavior, No Fear of Danger, Decreased Inhibitions- Feeling Aggressive or Agitated- Hallucinations, Confusion, Loss of Personality

Still, this has to be the best one:

(Drugs.com)

Some patients taking Ambien have performed certain activities while they were not fully awake. These have included sleep-driving, making and eating food, making phone calls, and having sex. Oh. My. God. Patients often do not remember these events after they happen. Oh. My. God. Such an event may be more likely to occur if you use a high dose of Ambien . It may also be more likely if you drink alcohol or take other medicines that may cause drowsiness while you use Ambien . Tell your doctor right away if such an event happens to you. Um, like, I thought you didn't remember.

I now present to you, the side-effects of Lunesta:

(Drugs.com)

Lunesta may cause a severe allergic reaction. Stop taking Lunesta and get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat. Sound familiar? Stop using Lunesta and call your doctor at once (in the event that your swollen tongue doesn't get in the way of your speaking, of course) if you have any of these serious side effects: aggression, agitation, changes in behavior; thoughts of hurting yourself; or hallucinations, hearing or seeing things (like green, glow-in-the-dark butterflies)

And these are the "less serious" side-effects of Lunesta:

Day-time drowsiness, dizziness, "hangover" feeling problems with memory or concentration (Huh? What'd you say?) anxiety, depression, nervous feeling headache nausea, stomach pain, loss of appetite, constipation dry mouth mild skin rash unusual or unpleasant taste in your mouth (It's apparently a metal taste that lasts all day. Yummy! No wonder you're not hungry. Hey, maybe you should take Ambien at the same time so that, in your "sleep", you can cook yourself a meal and eat it.)

Anyway, that's it. The end. Now, I don't know about you but, don't these "aids" seem worse than the problem itself? That said, I suppose a positive could come from this long and winding list of negatives. Instead of counting sheep...we can just count side-effects. Now, that might actually help.

Are you getting sleepy?