Breaking the Routine

Last week I happened to catch a rerun of Jimmy Kimmel Live. The episode had originally aired in November and featured Reese Witherspoon, Scott Weiland, and the Pumphrey brothers. If you are like me, you haven't the slightest idea as to who the Pumphrey brothers are. The truth is, not only did I not know who they were, I had zero interest in finding out. And so, after the Witherspoon interview, in anticipation of Weiland's gangly, teetering, guyliner smeared performance, I turned the volume way down and diverted my attention toward writing out a very short list of my new year's resolutions...in pencil.

Then, just as Kimmel's two relatively unknown guests were walking out to their seats to chat, I glanced at the T.V. Now, much as I hate to admit this, it was what these two casually attired guys looked like that made me immediately dig the remote out of the couch and adjust the volume. Could it really be? Actual men? You see, the Pumphrey brothers, stars of a new reality show called Human Wrecking Balls on G4, are both impossibly tall, and brawny in a way that suggests strength, not preening. Both in their thirties, peroxide blonde Craig and brunette Paul are apparently, and each in their own right, highly regarded and accomplished martial artists who hold world records in God-knows-how-many feats of strength. Thus, after a brief, genial conversation, Kimmel challenged the brothers to demolish a vending machine with their bare hands. And so, in less than 2 minutes, that's precisely what they did. Have you managed to guess the premise of their show yet?

Human Wrecking Balls, on every Wednesday night at 10 PM, is a show about the science of breaking stuff with human force alone. The tagline is: Man vs. Man-Made. After I watched the brothers annihilate the vending machine on JKL, I nearly cried for all the lost treats that were so mercilessly strewn about the studio stage. I felt sorry for the vending machine, and yet, I could not help but be impressed by how precise and methodical the destruction had been. Effortless, even. Without a hint of chemical support, or pent-up aggression. This was not two jackasses trying to hurt themselves for cheap laughs. Too bad I'll never see the show, I thought to myself, knowing that I don't have TiVo and, therefore, due to my Wednesday-night-at-10 PM addiction to Bravo's Top Chef, would be unable to see the show for myself. And then, this past Sunday afternoon, while I was channel surfing, wouldn't you know it, I stumbled upon a Human Wrecking Balls marathon.

The show features the aforementioned Pumphrey brothers, an engineer/science guy, and a pretty, albeit, pretty pointless nurse on the sidelines who basically cleans out wounds and snoozingly tells the guys things like, "It's a good thing this or that didn't happen because I wouldn't have been able to do anything for you and the hospital is really far away." Great. What the hell are you doing there then? Couldn't someone like, oh I don't know, the Food Network's Paula Deen stretch Band-Aids across their scrapes and scratches? I'd rather see her and her motherly Southern comfort in the nurse role. An expressive, "Aww baby, what'd you do now? Come 'ere and let me fix that up for you," would make much more sense in this context. Never mind the fact that the brothers are from Indiana, not Georgia.

Anyway, where the stuntmen programming of late seems to revel in recklessness, this show focuses, instead, on the science of breaking things. Getting hurt is not their intention, even if it is their reality. They ask questions of the engineer/science guy or expert on site if what they are doing does not work. In other words, there is method here, not madness. There is an effort being made to educate the audience about what they are seeing. And I, a person who is not generally interested in examples of brute force or physical science, was awed by the art of it all. When Paul Pumphrey is commenting on his brother's performance of a specific task, for example, he'll often refer to how Craig looked while he was doing something. "It looked pretty," he might say. Or, "It looked cool." And it does. Especially when the slow-mo happens. You can appreciate the art when you can see the minutia of the execution. The height the jumps reach, the full extension of arms and legs, the glass crashing outward, seeming to splash...it isn't just breaking shit; it's physics by way of martial arts, and years and years of training. There is a sort of beauty here.

So then what is in the destruction? More art, or just a mess? I would argue that, in the destruction, you will find the science. There is a sort of wisdom here. Hence, the show's production team smartly uses these opportunities to flash digital science lessons and fun facts up on the screen to explain what is happening to the objects and why. There are blueprint sketches that simplify the scientific explanations for viewers. And in the brothers themselves? What do we find there? Well, there you will find the heart of the show. When the camera catches genuine looks and queries of concern exchanged between the brothers Pumphrey, you realize, as a viewer, that, yes, there is real risk involved, and, yes, they are real brothers.

The genuine affection and friendly rivalry they seem to enjoy supports the format, which is as follows: Craig comes up with a scripted "hair-brained" idea and tells Paul, "Hey, it'd be awesome if you did it." Paul is unwilling and tries to deflect the challenge onto his brother. How to solve this? Well, prior to any joint BIG challenge (i.e. destroying a Cessna airplane, office space, sailboat, car, manufactured home, and so on) the brothers compete in a mini challenge to determine who will have to do the extra tricky part per Craig's suggestion. For example, who will not have to run through a glass wall in an office? Whoever will most thoroughly destroy a Xerox machine with his bare hands in the allotted time, of course.

The engineer/science guy on hand is a little bland, but he knows his stuff. Unfortunately, he is also on hand to discourage results and lower expectations. He is, for lack of a better term, the resident naysayer. "You've got your work cut out for you with this one," he'll drone. His lines are stagey and manipulative at times, but they may just be intended to voice the thoughts of doubters who are sitting at home...or so I'm guessing. Who knows. Maybe the guy's just a downer.

The brothers themselves, however, are very likable, even when they are delivering corny lines. Craig, the younger, but bigger brother, can roll up a frying pan in his bare hands with about as much effort as it would take the average person to roll up a single sheet of oak tag. He seems to be the more natural athlete, and yet, Paul, who can hurl a round tabletop out a window like it's a Frisbee, seems to be the more disciplined and committed of the two. In other words, they are super strong, and don't seem to get drained of their strength.

Unfortunately, when I mention the strength of these two brothers to a strong man I know, he immediately dismisses them and brings up the steroid angle. And why wouldn't he, after all? I'm convinced that strength is to men what beauty is to women. Tell a strong man another man is stronger and he'll muscle through with a steroid accusation; tell a beautiful woman that another woman is more beautiful and listen while she brings up the likelihood of plastic surgery. Anyway, the steroid possibility hadn't crossed my mind before the strong guy I know mentioned it. Is it possible? Sure. Baseball and Andy (holy roller, my ass) Pettitte taught us that. But I kind of doubt it. Or, rather, I'd like to doubt it, because I like the show. And I think you'll like it, too. Who knows, this Wednesday night I may just break my routine and watch Human Wrecking Balls instead of Top Chef. See? I, too, can break something.

'Twas Two Nights Before Christmas Eve

'Twas two nights before Christmas Eve, and all through my veins
anxiety was coursing like a train on cocaine
I, in high-heeled boots, had gone shopping for gifts,
slipping through the icy parking lot 10,000 plows missed

Bundled in my black coat, the one with the hood,
I'd just exited Bloomingdales, feeling cold, but pretty good
For I had accomplished a task most could not:
I had finished my Christmas shopping, all in one shot

When, what to my narrowing eyes should appear?
Why, an SUV tailing cautious steps at my rear
His headlights were blazing, as he loomed close and large
Surely he'd follow me till he'd find where I'd parked

Thinking his spying me rendered other drivers thwarted,
this guy didn't realize the journey he'd started
See, I'd driven my mother's car (mine died last week, damnit!),
and yet I traipsed searching for my car out of habit

Around and around I walked, packaged arms breaking, achingly
The SUV stalker wondering, "Where the hell is she taking me?"
I slipped and I sniffed until I spotted, as horns blew,
my mother's car and wondered, "She came shopping here, too?"

When finally my senses returned to my thoughts
I scurried, best I could, to recover time lost
With the key in the keyhole to open the trunk,
I wobbled on the ice like a Christmas punch drunk

Surprise, surprise, FROZEN! The lock I'd dared turn
So I went 'round the backseat with a look of concern
Worrying that not all the parcels would fit,
squishing and pushing until all of them did

Now, trying to compose myself and shake off the worst
I started the car and put it in reverse
But, no, no, not so fast, all the windows were frosted
Now, cursing and frazzled, I totally lost it

Defrost time, I had none, the mood nearly manic
For the SUV waiting had caused major traffic
There, inside my mother's car, I cowered, just listening
to the cacophony of beeping, headlights on me, blistering

I dashed out the vehicle and into the backseat
that immediately spit every package back at me
Desperate, I grabbed the inspirational pillow,
that sat on display, cozy in the back window

"Behind every great woman is herself," it reads
Thus, I used its embroidered face to wipe the windows clean
Then, finally, having packed up the car once again,
I got in the driver's seat, and out the space I went

Saying to myself, jingley, as I slid out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all...WATCH THE ICE!"

In Want of a Need for Christmas

Forgive me if I fail to allow the holiday spirit to tip-toe in here with its red-stockinged feet and the promise of merrymaking, but I'm just not in the mood. I could lie and say that, in fact, it's just this year that I feel kind of bothered by the whole holiday thing but, gingerbread man-oh-man, it's every year for me. I hate Christmas. I'm sorry, but I do. And I think I always have.

Right after Halloween, I just tuck my chin into my chest, avoid eye contact at all costs, and barrel through the turkey targeted season until it's officially over. Once the red paper cups come out at Starbucks, I know that I need to keep my sunglasses on even after the sun goes down. Why? Well, isn't it obvious? To further protect my eyes from the impending glare of all those little lights that will soon be strung up on houses that, who are we kidding, are already the most unsightly ones on the block. Why would you want to draw more attention to your home's shortcomings? When neighbors go caroling door to door, voicing neither an energy concern, nor a safety concern about many of these electrically molested houses that appear to be one short away from a fireball existence, I wonder about the human camaraderie of it all. I don't care if your house explodes. May your days be merry and BRIGHT!

As if going blind weren't enough, I also, miraculously, go blank once Christmas approaches. I never need anything once people start asking me about potential presents that could be bought for me. All year long I say to myself, I could really use a..., I wish someone would get me a ..., You know what I need? A ... Then, "Hey, Sandra, what can I get you for Christmas?" Um, nothing. Let's not exchange this year. Of course, no matter how many times I instruct people not to get me anything, there are always boxes under the tree with my name on them. And damnit if I don't have to then make a mad dash to the mall. For the record, you always spend more money when you do all your Christmas shopping in two hours.

Because it has become somewhat of a Christmas tradition of mine to forget that I need anything worth asking for, not many of the gifts bought for me over the years have been especially thoughtful. Some of them have been nice gestures that do not go to waste, but some of them couldn't have been more off-base or generic. And yet, they are always fun to receive and then survey on the whole. In fact, on Christmas mornings of late, I have adopted a new tradition for myself that I highly recommend. You see, after I tear through my presents, one after another, I like to lay all my newly acquired booty on my bed and look at it, like I'm trying to piece the puzzle of perception together. There are scarves, gloves, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Staples, & Starbucks gift cards. There are big black purses, and big black pairs of sunglasses. So, this is who people think I am, I say to myself, the chilly woman behind her dark sunglasses, with her designer bag slung over her shoulder as she carries a latte in one hand and a book and a pen in the other. My God, I say to myself, people think I'm a pretentious asshole, don't they?

And they do. But not my mother. No. I can tell by my mother's ghastly gifts to me every year that she has no idea who I am. Last year I got something so spectacularly awful, I am having trouble typing this right now because, as I am recalling it, I am teetering off my chair in a fit a giggles. Yes, last year my mother gave me a reversible electric blanket/poncho. You could either wear it so that the beige plastic slicker side was showing, or, if you sought further humiliation, you could turn it inside out and reveal its forest green Scotch Tape-print wool to the world. Why the woman on the package was smiling as she modeled this botched abortion, I have no idea. It just doesn't make any sense. Am I supposed to wear it out in the cold rain? An ELECTRIC blanket/poncho with a WOOL underside is water-friendly? Since when? Needless to say, right after I opened this present, I slid it right back over to my mother who is so used to my giving back her gifts, I can't believe she still has the nerve to be offended by my lack of gratitude. And yet, every Christmas morning, that's precisely what she is, offended by my lack of gratitude.

It seems that, despite my greatest efforts, I just can't pretend to appreciate something when I don't appreciate it. I want to, but I can't. If you must know, the notion itself makes me bristle. Therefore, Christmas doesn't suit me or my needs. It's either beyond me, or beneath me...the pretentious asshole that I am.

The President-Eject & The President-Elect

There are two kinds of ignorance. Neither of them bliss. There is the forgivable kind, the kind of ignorance that is smart enough to recognize itself, and ambitious enough to seek the remedy of counsel and education. And then there is that other kind of ignorance. This is the kind of ignorance that is so convinced of its inherent wisdom, it borders on religion because, in spite of any tangible proof, it remains devoted to itself. Sometimes this ignorance looks a lot like stubbornness and arrogance. This is the ignorance that fails to notice the fact that even the stupid people in the room think it's hopelessly stupid.

Granted, we are all ignorant to a certain degree. As it has been said, none of us will ever know all of the things we will never know. And yet, after eight years of cringing while I watched presidential press conferences and interviews through my fingers, I know that the person in charge come January 2009 will be (sigh of relief) intelligent. I don't know what Barack Obama's term as president will bring, but I am hopeful, and I am listening, and what I am hearing sounds like English...and a plan.

Now, just to be clear, I have never thought President George W. Bush to be an evil man. I still don't. When people compare him to Hitler I am as equally put off by their ignorance as I have been by his. However, what I do think is that our current president, #43, has never been the right person for the office he was sworn into because, frankly, he does not have the God-given mental capacity to best fulfill his duties. He does not even have the capacity to want to learn how.

For some reason, President Bush just doesn't get it. Nothing seems like that much of a big deal to him. He is the Whatever president. In fact, I suspect that's what the W. really stands for. After all, according to most accounts, G.W.B. wanted to be the commissioner of baseball. That was his dream. He didn't want to be president. Those who have really been running his administration wanted the poor sucker to be "president". And we know who those oily folks are, don't we? And we know why, don't we? Even his parents were stunned by the turn of events. They thought it'd be their prized Jeb who'd follow in George H.W.'s footsteps, not slaphappy, good time W. who, with his propensity of mooning people and flipping them the bird, nursed a keg of beer until he was forty.

The thing is, despite his tragic presidency, I predict that, someday, George W. Bush will be the commissioner of baseball. And I think he'll be very good at it. It suits him. For that job, yes, he has what it takes. For the job of president of the United States of America? Well, this time we finally (and thankfully) chose the best candidate. No, not the black man with a dream...the smart American with a brain.

Where Credit Is and Isn't Due

I remember when there was a time when you could only drive a Mercedes if you had money. Luxury cars were precisely that, a luxury. These days, it seems, any self-delusional image climber with 15 cents and a dual airbag inflated ego can drive a Mercedes. We are a "look-at-me" society, more concerned with the facade than the foundation. We are adept at "frontin'', if you will. We are brokety broke and yet, we charge and lease away the days like there will be no tomorrow, or, at least, not one we will ever accept any fiscal responsibility for.

Bailout? Takeover? Buyout? Merger?

I've seen people on TV talking about how they should teach money management classes in high school to better prepare students for their financial futures. Good idea. Still, the basics are what seemed to trip us up. We learned how to add and subtract in the first grade, didn't we? They called the class Math, if I recall. I believe the standard questions were along the lines of: If the apple costs 80 cents and you have 50 cents, can you afford the apple? No, right? Right. So, you can't have the apple, right? Right. Because you don't have enough money, right? Right.

And yet, the basic rules and lessons have grown loopholes. Question: What if you put the 80 cent apple on your credit card? Well, then, you still can't afford it, right? Right. And yet, you can have it, right? Right. You can eat it, right? Right. And right now, right? You can eat it right now, right? Right. Enjoy it in the moment and worry about it later...when later, that 80 cent apple winds up costing you $17.00 because of the interest rates, and the fact that you can barely cover your minimum payment due each month. Rotten to the core. Yummy. Why stop with one apple? Get two. Three. A bushel! Get a bushel of apples.

The profound greed that percolated on Wall Street, allowing mortgage and investment firms and credit companies to take advantage of the clueless many who managed to fool themselves into believing they weren't being fooled is sickening. And yet, as they sold and resold mortgages and charged astronomical fees wherever they could, licking their chops all the while, Main Street marched along to a beat it could not keep up with. Wall Street is guilty, yes, but so is Main Street. Imagists who, knowing they didn't really have the money to buy a house, still went after those too-good-to-be-true NINJA (no income, no job, or assets) mortgage loans just so they could own a house and, dare I suggest, show off to their equally fiscally doomed neighbors. What happened to having money and living well below your means? My mother always taught us this: If you can't afford something, you don't need it. She also said, like twenty years ago, that credit cards would destroy this country. To this day, my mother, a very successful businesswoman, doesn't have one credit card. She needed me to get her a cell phone because she couldn't get one with, you know, money.

This financial meltdown, I'm sorry to say, is a bright orange semaphore desperately directing us toward the real evil-doers...ourselves. We are to blame for our own mess. Look what we done did.

Car leases are what really amuse me. What the fark do you need to trade your car in for every three years? Oh, I know, because you're too high class and important to drive the same car for more than three years. Or, at least, that's what you'd have others believe about you. Allow me to tell you about my car. My car has been my car since 1995, when my parents finally bought it for me after I had spent three years driving a ten year old Pontiac with one windshield wiper, a dragging muffler, and a hole in the radiator. I managed to hold the windshield wiper's rubber inlay in place with a yellow scrunchie, and, frankly, I just got used to the noise, smoke, and smell my vehicle produced on a daily basis until it exploded on Route 4 one afternoon. Anyway, this December, I will have had my car for thirteen years. And, I will continue to drive it until it falls apart all around and under me and I have to Flintstone footwork it to get it to move. When that day comes (I figure I have another year or two, at least) I will buy myself a car with the cash I have saved. Leasing means losing, so no leasing for me, thank you. Then, I will drive that new energy-efficient car for, God willing, another 12 to 15 years. In case you are wondering, both my degrees are in Literature.

Personally, I know what I have and don't have. And I know what I can and cannot afford. I make many a sacrifice in my everyday life (most notably with regard to my living situation) just to make sure I'm not putting myself at a terrible disadvantage. In a hole. While I may not independently be rolling in the dough, I am not in debt like many of my peers. And I have been told that I am in possession of enviable credit. Am I fly? Do I sparkle when I walk? Am I money? No. Not at all. Most people would not look at me and think, wow. I mean, why would they? Haven't we already established just how lousy most people in this country are with the whole credit thing?

Word Up

Everlast, not to be confused with the boxing gear, nor with the alternative rock group Everclear, is one guy, the former lead guy from the all-white 90's hip hop group House of Pain ("Jump Around") who has since resurfaced a few times and gone on to enjoy a respectable level of solo success. He is, perhaps, best known as a solo artist for his socially conscious "hick hop" track, "What It's Like", that married old school beats with an acoustic guitar. At the time (1998, I think it was) this was hardly chartered territory. Still, Everlast, with a surprisingly melodic, yet husky singing voice, triumphantly jumped back onto the music scene having found his creative niche. With an altered perspective on life and death, which came courtesy of his having survived a heart attack at the age 28, Everlast was a new man who had something to say, but nothing to prove.

A flawed, but earnest and interesting salt-of-the-earth kind of artist, Everlast seems most at home when he is documenting the grimy underside of the celebrated facade of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. His penchant for telling the stories of the often dismissed folk who suffer through their lives with soiled souls, broken hearts, and dirty veins, earns him points in the "keepin' it real" books of many a music critic and fan alike. I almost don't even mind the fact that he sings about being "uncurable" in a straight-faced, non-ironic way on one track off his latest CD release, Love, War and the Ghost of Whitey Ford.

Clearly, when it comes to expressing what they mean to say, writers, well, songwriters, specifically, have their favorite, tried-and-true words and topics from which they choose. They effortlessly reach into their rusty toolboxes and don't, generally, make any apologies for what they pull out. They gravitate toward certain themes and communicate their thoughts and feelings in ways that tend to be comparable to the ways they conduct their lives, the ways they notice others conducting their lives, the ways they wish they could conduct their lives or, on a far less integrity-driven note, the ways in which they merely want to be perceived by their audiences. On occasion, they create something we'd call art. Sonically speaking, I think Everlast's latest solo effort, Love, War & the Ghost of Whitey Ford is a brand new & interesting stretch of lonely road, and yet, the lyrical content suggests the same old scenery. Empathetic as ever, Everlast does not have a heart problem. Not at all, actually. No, what Everlast has is an art problem.

When crisp, dramatic horns introduce the opening track, "Kill the Emperor", it is difficult not to let your goose bumps dictate your opinion of the song overall. First, you envision the royal court. Then Washington, D.C. presents itself. The pomp and circumstance that could only highlight the disconnect between the rich and the poor, the enfranchised and the disenfranchised in our modern American times is evoked instantly. And then the emperor's assassin enters, trying to flex his political muscle via a stale decree that is intended to kill, but doesn't. Save for the "fifty states of denial" line, nothing that follows the horns is especially groundbreaking or even remotely poetic. Plus, the figurative notion of "killing the emperor" is as old and dusty as monarchies themselves. Tired. Snooze. Wake me when it's over.

And yet, stripped of its narration, the music of L,W&tGoWF is remarkably alive and impressive. It really is. Needless to say, the SOUND here is king, as it stimulates in an unpredictable, mixed bag fashion that, at its best, inspires smiles and bursts of movement. It successfully rocks and hops and picks and strums and, kudos to production all around, seamlessly. However, where the music seems studied and precise, the off-the-top-of-the-head lyric writing seems to have finally run its course. This is where Everlast (i.e. Whitey Ford) may need to invest in a notebook and start physically writing words and concepts down on the page. Writers write differently when they put pen to paper. If a songwriter is going to be bold enough to experiment with instrumentation and "beats", s/he needs to do the same on the lyrical/subject matter front and open up to the possibility of telling different stories. Or, at the very least, the same stories, just framed with more of a creative edge and enthusiasm.

Now, I know there have been reviews out there praising the lyrical content of L,W&tGoWF, but, alas, upon further inspection you'll notice that those reviews, themselves, are poorly written. Just an observation, of course. Anyway, I don't think anyone will revoke Everlast's Biggie Smalls/Jay-Z writing-without-writing-anything-down lyricist's pass for daring to challenge himself for the sake of his craft. Pen and paper are not just for autograph signing, after all. Perhaps they might afford Whitey the opportunity to withdraw from a WORD BANK that does not only include the following words:

junkie/hell/whore/girl/broken/tired/pain/devil/city/jones/heaven/

heart/angel/drinking/pills/knees/God/dirty/scars/die/love/live/

poor/bones/rich/high/low/lies/gun/kill.

I mean, it can't hurt to try. After all, a singular, personal truth can be communicated through an assortment of different channels and still be true in the end.

Don't get me wrong; I think this is a very good CD, but there are moments on L,W&tGoWF that suggest that it could have been a great one. A really great one. A classic, even. The track "Die in Yer Arms", for example, sparkles from every direction and in every light. With a wink and a nod to an 80's dance floor, this track proves to be a perfect, little, "vicious sway" of a song because it is fun, light, infectious, and witty. A grape metaphor done justice: juicy, but tightly wrapped. The verses are not long, self-indulgent attempts at trying to communicate something meaningful without quite getting there. The message arrives immediately and, dare I say, artistically.

Another highlight is the track "Friend". I don't care how many scars, or broken hearts, or I-fuck-up-a-lot-but-love-me-anyway-girl references are made on this song; I love it in spite of itself. In spite of myself. The words (including the non-word "uncurable") and the overall confession of sorts are not what make this song fresh; it's the angle and the sincerity here that make this song worth my looking like a complete junkie for when I sing my scarred and broken heart out when I play the hell out of it while driving my tired bones into the dirty city.

Loosen Up On Buttons

I bought a great fitted sweater the other day. Correction: I bought what I thought was a great fitted sweater the other day, until I wore it out in the world and made the mistake of shrugging my shoulders in it. You see, the stretch knit of which I speak, happens to be adorned with two large buttons that, when I'm at rest, sit flat and parallel to one another on my mid-section, just below my chest. However, when I lift my shoulders ever so slightly, voilà, the buttons shift upward in a flash and, suddenly, my breasts look like they have been bedazzled with shiny, black, industrial strength nipples.

I have never understood designers' fascination with buttons as fashion. I had a pair of cherry red corduroy pants as a kid that had three buttons (flower petals) on each back pocket. The designer might have thought these buttons served a great aesthetic purpose, but, honestly, the only purpose served was that of making my butt cheeks into musical instruments, as they tap tap tapped out a tune every time I sat down in my chair. Then, whenever I moved, it was like the remix. I cannot forget feeling those buttons pressing into my flesh during a mandatory assembly where I had to suffer through sitting "Indian-style" on the gymnasium floor until my rear end became a button punching bag, and my feet (for their having been sat upon for two hours) lost all sensation. At the end of that assembly, as I pulled myself along the waxed wood floors of the gymnasium with arm strength alone, I looked like a seal...in cherry red corduroy pants.

Buttons have a really undeserved sweet reputation in our culture. They seem quaint. With their perfect little holes, they look like little round faces. Of course, no one ever says that about bowling balls, and they, too, have those holey faces. Cute as a button? Yes. Cute as a bowling ball? Not so much. Buttons seem delicate. Button noses, not baton noses, are heralded as the beauty ideal. Just ask the plastic surgeons. Button your lip sounds so much daintier and so much more polite than shut your hole, or quit flapping your gums, or put a sock in it.

I can understand buttons as fasteners; that I get and mostly appreciate. It's the decorative buttons that cause me to pause and shake my head while shopping. Using buttons in place of eyes on children's clothing is just weird to me. I saw a yellow sweatshirt in the kids' department at Macy's not too long ago that proudly boasted an alligator with blue button eyes on its front. It was the ugliest thing. I felt so sorry for any child whose mother might buy it, thinking it was adorable because it happened to be in the children's department at Macy's. Why can't manufacturers just stitch on the damn eyes the same way they stitch on the rest of the damn alligator? That way when children's alligator sweatshirts lose buttons, their mothers won't have to send their children to school wearing crippled alligators across their chests. Quick, sew a toothpick onto that sucker! Your blind bastard of an alligator needs a walking stick. Using buttons as wheels on knitted trucks is equally strange to me. How is this clever? Don't kids have it tough enough nowadays? Must we also force them to wear lousy arts and crafts projects?

Listen to me closely, okay? Buttons are not as benign as they seem to be. Chip one or break one in half. Go on. I dare you. Why so reluctant? Aha! You, it seems, know what I know. Yes, you know that if you do chip a button or break one in half, you will suddenly have a rather ninja-like weapon in your possession. I don't care what you say. No broken plastic anything is as sharp and as deadly as the itsy bitsy cutesy wootsy broken button from hell. Just ask that other cute button you know and love...your belly button. Clearly the victim of button on button crime, mine still winces when I put on a pair of tight-ish pants. "No, Sandra, please," my belly button's muffled cries seem to say. "Elastic waistband! Elastic waistband!"

Anyway, this is where I press the POWER button OFF and leave you with my musings. My scissors, after all, have a date with the threads that bind my shiny, black button nipples to my otherwise great fitted sweater.